Some Things I Know and Some Things I Don't Know

My eyes open.  I am lying on my back, or maybe my side, warm between the mint green sheets my mom bought when we redid my room for my 16th birthday.  It's dark, and my eyes slowly adjust to where I can make out the rectangular shapes of closet, door, dresser.  My breath is short, my body paralyzed. I am afraid for no knowable reason, although I imagine a man has broken in, and is coming up the stairs to hurt me, rape me even.  Or maybe it's a ghost -- although our condo is brand new and we are the first people to have lived in it, my mom and me.  Still, what did the land hold before the new construction?

I know I need to move, to get to my mom's room, but my limbs are frozen by fear.  I also know that if I am touching mint green, I will be safe.  I don't know how I know this, but I do. For some of us, magical thinking doesn't end with childhood. So I sit up, stuff my pillow with its mint green pillowcase under my left arm, rub the satin edge between my thumb and forefinger as if it were a rabbit's foot, and push off, being sure to clear the bottom of the bed by at least a foot or two.  You know why.

With my left arm clutching my pillow like a football, and my right arm straight out as if I'm the linebacker running the ball down the field, I begin. The journey to my mother's bedroom isn't far, just through the door and across the hall, but I take what feels like a hundred baby steps before I finally arrive, where I can see the lump of her on the right side of her bed. It's the King she never got rid of after the divorce, even though she doesn't need the space. It takes up half the room. She never sleeps in the middle. There is always room for me on the left.

Softly, I peel back the bedspread, the blanket, the sheet, like origami. I remove the pillow that is there, replace it with mine, recline as slowly and quietly as I can, and re-layer the sheet, blanket, bedspread over me.

I am safe.

I don't know how long I lie in the dark before falling asleep.  But I do know I am on my left side, facing away from my mother, unable to acknowledge that I need her.  Perhaps she is snoring, or breathing the regular deep breath of the dreamer.  She might even be faking it. I don't care. All I know is that I don't want her to know I am here.

In the morning, while we maneuver around each other awkwardly in the kitchen, she could ask, "What happened last night?" or "Why did you come in my room?" or "What were you scared of?" or "Are you okay?"

But she doesn't.

And I am glad.

As a mother of a teenager now, I know that all we can do sometimes is hold space for them.
It is enough.

September 11, 2001

we're all walking ironies now, like -- 

I'm wandering around inside our third house, 

wearing a t-shirt that says:

 "I left my house and went to a show"

and how my body feels more grounded 

after a day in the pool; skin alive 

with chlorine and slight sunburn –

the kind that will turn to tan instead of cancer

why yes, we are all wondering if we're clever

we’re certainly uncertain but determined,

never knowing where we’re walking to 'til we're there

September Eleventh ellipsed around again 

orbiting our psyche like we orbit the sun

and suddenly I can see the exact shade of brown

the carpet was, feel myself sitting crosslegged on the floor

only a few feet from the tv

thirty-four, and still in our first house--

the one off Fillmore

no friends to call; no one at all

it's hard to remember how rootless I was then --

how tender; how almost alone

nursing a nine-month old, a 2-year old

snugged side right (a little too tight, a little too close)

absorbing too-many tears into their tiny hearts

their two tiny hearts now holding 

the heartbreak beat of the twin towers

this doesn't feel like love

out…

we have to go out now, get out now –

to the park, yes! 

(the big park, not the neighborhood one)

other moms!  more babies!

Swings!

and their little swinging feet,

reaching upward toward the blue blue sky so quiet --

so goddamn fucking quiet

balance

the body 

starts with no strikes

against it, and then one day it reminds

you of that time when you were 22,

playing coed volleyball in a dimly lit gym in Seattle

and you jumped up to block a spike 

and came down on the spiker's foot under the net 

and your right ankle rolled --

and then snapped.

She scored the point; you scored 

a ride to the emergency room.

Now, at nearly 60, you're just about ready to down dog

on your lavender yoga mat 

and it's there again, that right ankle.

That -- and the left hip replaced by titanium

and the right breast absent some flesh

and the left elbow ripped by a riptide

and the arthritis in the thumb.

You try to be grateful 

that it's in your left --

because otherwise

you might not be writing this poem.

They say

the body 

keeps the score --

at this point, I'm just hoping for a tie

between left and right.

he doesn't listen

 My 18-year-old son

Left to go camping

Without even saying goodbye

Perhaps because

I kept bugging him about chairs

And sleeping pads

And food

And he was a little bit late

And a little bit anxious

He doesn’t listen

Which feels like rejection

Even though it isn’t

I have too much stuff already

You’re going CAR CAMPING —

You can take whatever you want

He takes the sleeping pad 

But leaves the chairs

And carries a white plastic bag with 8 Cokes

even though I told him

Where the cooler was

Later (about the time I figure 

he is meeting up with his friends) 

I text:

Sorry, I was just trying to help.  Hope you have a  

great time!!!! (tent emoji; canoe emoji)

We have so much shit that I’m taking your car

We have a grill and steaks and shit

Haha!  So you’re taking two cars?

Yes

I want to reply one more time

and say

I told you so

But I don’t

Lord Help Us *

Every- 

thing

and

Every- 

body

Lies

Except maybe our garbage –

So much stuff to stop our scents, tubes to 

whiten and brighten but not 

save and protect, bottles as

evidence of how many ways there are to die, tubs of Trader Joe’s – 

dips we could easily make ourselves 

But don’t. 

Every trashed container containing

maybe a couple more days worth which – if 

added up -- would be enough to 

last us many years

*Not sure if it’s a petition or a confession, but I know it’s a prayer