song shuffle

I think this little game was invented by someone at least 20 years younger than me, but still, I think it's going to be fun. I first read Kate's answers many months ago, and at that time I thought to myself, "Hmm... I think I'd like to do that someday." Many things have come to pass between then and now, but the song shuffle has always been in the back of my mind. Now its time has come.

I love the way randomness often reveals truths. Or at least gives us another lense with which to see ourselves. Or makes absolutely no sense at all. Kind of like Tarot or Astrology or a Magic 8 Ball.

The way this works: Hit "shuffle" on your iPod, and the names of the songs as they fall in the random sequence are the answers to the questions. Here goes.......

1. How would you describe yourself?
Che Doce Simpatia.... Ecco Megl'orti Tuoi (Cecilia Bartolli)

Well, I guess what this means is that I don't really, even yet, understand myself! I'm still working on the translation.
Simpatia...... sympathy according to the translation site I just consulted. That makes sense. I seem to be sympathetic to the whole world.

2. What do you like in a guy / girl?
Vigilante Man (Burns Sisters)

Hmmmmmm...... perhaps I do like to be looked after much more than I would ever freely admit.

3. What is your motto?
Paper Kitten Nightmare (Margot & the Nuclear So and So's)

Now those are some absurdist words to live by. Perhaps I should make them my motto.

4. What do your friends think of you?
In the Garden (Dolores O'Riorden)

Not sure about this one. I keep thinking of biblical gardens (I can't help it, I was a religious studies major) ...... Eden....... Gethsemane...... they weren't exactly conducive to friendship now, were they? How about the garden in my backyard, then, where everyone is welcome.........

5. What do you think about often?
On a Freezing Chicago Street (Margot & the Nuclear So and So's)

Yeah, that's me..... just daydreaming away about being cold and lost in an unfamiliar city.

..... Actually, now that I think about it, being lost in unfamiliar places really IS something I daydream about. It's the cold part I can't quite handle.

6. What do your parents think of you?
Your Heart is an Empty Room (Death Cab for Cutie)

Well, my mom's dead, and I'm pretty sure she never would have said this about me. My dad, however, might very well try to enlighten me with some sort of wise saying that has this phrase in it.

7. What do you think of your best friend?
Cannonball (Damien Rice)

No idea.

8. What do you think of the person you like?
Different Names for the Same Thing (Death Cab for Cutie)

Hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!! Over and over and over again.

9. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Sleep Don't Weep (Damien Rice)

A good night's sleep would be most welcome.

10. What do you think when you see a person you like?
Lascia La Spina, Cogli La Rosa (Cecilia Bartolli)

I will tell you that listening to this song will tear your heart into a million little pieces.....

11. What song will they play at your wedding?
What I Be (Michael Franti and Spearhead)

Well, my wedding is now nearly 13 years in the past. I will say, however, that what is quintessentially ME was all over that ceremony, from the juggling to the candlelighting to the vow writing and reading to the contradancing.

12. What will they play at your funeral?
Now That You're Gone (Ryan Adams)

That's what turned up. I swear.

13. What is your hobby / interest?
Tell Me You're Alive (Michael Franti and Spearhead)

Interesting............ I have this "pillow" hanging in my bedroom made by my friend Marina. Painted in neon yellow letters is the word "ALIVE". She left it on my porch before moving to Brooklyn. Alive is one of my favorite words. I look at it every morning when I wake up. Most times, Alive is enough. Sometimes Alive is even more than we can handle. How dare we demand more?

14. What is your biggest fear?
I Found It (Klayton Kendall)

We search our whole life for "It". If we actually found it, then what would be the purpose of life? And having no purpose in life is my greatest fear.

15. What is your biggest secret?
We Used to Vacation (Cold War Kids)

Now this is NO secret at all! Of course we used to vacation. Before we had kids and were poor and settled in jobs and had a mortgage and ..........

16. What do you think of your friends?
Old Dogs, Children, and Watermelon Wine (John Prine and another guy named Mac)

This sort of paints a picture of hanging out with folks on the patio, or in the backyard of a summer eve. Yeah.

17. What is your theme song?
Punch and Judy (Elliott Smith)

Yes! This is the best one so far. "Huzzah, huzzah! I killed the Devil!"

18. What do you think of your family?
Blossom (Cold Roses)

Corny. But, really, what do our children do but blossom right before our eyes?

19. What is your best friend's theme song?
Yes, I Will (Michael Franti and Spearhead)

My husband has said, I don't know how many times, that he will be here, for me, for the boys, no matter what. Yes, he will.

20. What is your mood right now?
Crow Waltz (The Be Good Tanyas)

Waltzing. I love waltzing! I've waltzed three times in the past week. It makes me all happy inside.

21. If your heart could talk, what would it say?
What Sarah Said (Death Cab for Cutie)

Sara (no h) knows my heart about as well as I.

22. What do your co-workers think of you?
God's Promise (Burns Sisters)

Depends on your idea of "God" I suppose.

23. What does your future look like?
Brothers on a Hotel Bed (Death Cab for Cutie)

Um.... sounds fun, but...... I don't think so. Let's try that one again, shall we?

Streetwalker (Delta Spirit)

Uh, no, don't think that's it either. One more time.

You Can Close Your Eyes (James Taylor)

Ok, that's more like it.

for janet

One of my other mothers is dying.

I first met Janet when she was hired to be the ESL teacher on our team of middle school teachers in 1993 (or somewhere thereabouts). She came from a background of civil disobedience and power to the people and Pete Seeger songs and a hippy-live-in-a-bus-and-make-your-own-yogurt world. It was a world of 60's activism I was sorry I had missed. I doubt there is a kinder, gentler soul in all the world.




Winter Solstice of 1994 (I think) I played matchmaker during a party at my house. From that day forward, there was one entity.......

"Janet and JohnRoy"











When Janet was diagnosed with breast cancer, my mother was there for her, providing both practical advice and hopeful inspiration. While my mother lay dying, Janet was there by her bedside for the last 36 hours, documenting it all in a notebook for me. She was the one who called and said, "You need to come. Now." I missed my mother's actual death by about 10 minutes, even still.

One of my other mothers is dying.
And I cannot be at HER bedside.
All I have to offer is a poem.
This one's for you, dear Janet:


one day

i will walk
naked
from my castle

i will walk in silence until
i reach the precipice----
there will be no need for Hansel and Gretel’s desperate crumbs or
Orpheus's doubtful glance

perhaps not a cliff then, but rather a retrospective footpath
helixing down
around a balcony of passions
past a circus of trees
under a moon of souvenirs

and i will walk
shedding my cloak of outstretched arms
pulling back my veil of angular tears

the little princes will never know
that i am gone
because love grows backwards
and they will run---

run! run!

to the castle
to their futures

autumnal equinox

"Today, we wake up in the Summer, and go to bed in the Fall."

-Grant, at the dinner table, during a discussion of the equinox. I thought it was another one of those brilliant insights from one of my children, but it turns out that's what their music teacher told them today in school. I like her!

song shuffle

I think this little game was invented by someone at least 20 years younger than me, but still, it was fun. I first read Kate's answers many months ago, and at that time I thought to myself, "Hmm... I think I'd like to do that someday." Many things have come to pass between then and now, but the song shuffle has always been in the back of my mind. Now its time has come.

I love the way randomness often reveals truths. Or at least gives us another lense with which to see the world. Or makes absolutely no sense at all. Kind of like Tarot. Or Astrology.

The way this works: Hit "shuffle" on your iPod, and the names of the songs as they fall in the random sequence are the answers to the questions. Here goes.......

1. How would you describe yourself?
Che Doce Simpatia.... Ecco Megl'orti Tuoi (Cecilia Bartolli)
Well, I guess what this means is that I don't really, even yet, understand myself! I'm still working on the translation.
Simpatia...... sympathy according to the translation site I just consulted. That makes sense. I seem to be sympathetic to the whole world.

2. What do you like in a guy / girl?
Vigilante Man (Burns Sisters)

Hmmmmmm...... perhaps I do like to be looked after much more than I would ever freely admit.

3. What is your motto?
Paper Kitten Nightmare (Margot & the Nuclear So and So's)

Now those are some absurdist words to live by. Perhaps I should make them my motto.

4. What do your friends think of you?
In the Garden (Dolores O'Riorden)

Not sure about this one. I keep thinking of biblical gardens (I can't help it, I was a religious studies major) ...... Eden....... Gethsemane...... they weren't exactly conducive to friendship now, were they? How about the garden in my backyard, then, where everyone is welcome.........

5. What do you think about often?
On a Freezing Chicago Street (Margot & the Nuclear So and So's)

Yeah, that's me..... just daydreaming away about being cold and lost in an unfamiliar city.

6. What do your parents think of you?
Your Heart is an Empty Room (Death Cab for Cutie)

Well, my mom's dead, and I'm pretty sure she never would have said this about me. My dad, however, might very well try to enlighten me with some sort of wise saying that has this phrase in it.

7. What do you think of your best friend?
Cannonball (Damien Rice)

No idea.

8. What do you think of the person you like?
Different Names for the Same Thing (Death Cab for Cutie)

Hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!! Over and over and over again.

9. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Sleep Don't Weep (Damien Rice)

A good night's sleep would be most welcome.

10. What do you think when you see a person you like?
Lascia La Spina, Cogli La Rosa (Cecilia Bartolli)

I will tell you that listening to this song will tear your heart into a million little pieces.....

11. What song will they play at your wedding?
What I Be (Michael Franti and Spearhead)

Well, my wedding is now nearly 13 years in the past. I will say, however, that what is quintessentially ME was all over that ceremony, from the juggling to the candlelighting to the vow writing and reading to the contradancing.

12. What will they play at your funeral?
Now That You're Gone (Ryan Adams)

That's what turned up. I swear.

13. What is your hobby / interest?
Tell Me You're Alive (Michael Franti and Spearhead)

Interesting............ I have this "pillow" hanging in my bedroom made by my friend Marina. Painted in neon yellow letters is the word "ALIVE". She left it on my porch before moving to Brooklyn. Alive is one of my favorite words. I look at it every morning when I wake up. Sometimes Alive is even more than we can handle. And most times, Alive is enough. How dare we demand more?

14. What is your biggest fear?
I Found It (Klayton Kendall)

We search our whole life for "It". If we actually found it, then what would be the purpose of life? And having no purpose in life is my greatest fear.

15. What is your biggest secret?
We Used to Vacation (Cold War Kids)

Now this is NO secret at all! Of course we used to vacation. Before we had kids and were poor and settled in jobs and had a mortgage and ..........

16. What do you think of your friends?
Old Dogs, Children, and Watermelon Wine (John Prine and another guy named Mac)

This sort of paints a picture of hanging out with folks on the patio, or in the backyard of a summer eve. Yeah.

17. What is your theme song?
Punch and Judy (Elliott Smith)

Yes! This is the best one so far. "Huzzah, huzzah! I killed the Devil!"

18. What do you think of your family?
Blossom (Cold Roses)

Corny. But, really, what do our children do but blossom right before our eyes?

19. What is your best friend's theme song?
Yes, I Will (Michael Franti and Spearhead)

My husband has said, I don't know how many times, that he will be here, for me, for the boys, no matter what. Yes, he will.

20. What is your mood right now?
Crow Waltz (The Be Good Tanyas)

Waltzing. I love waltzing! I've waltzed three times in the past week. It makes me all happy inside.

21. If your heart could talk, what would it say?
What Sarah Said (Death Cab for Cutie)

Sara (no h) knows my heart about as well as I.

22. What do your co-workers think of you?
God's Promise (Burns Sisters)

Depends on your idea of "God" I suppose.

23. What does your future look like?
Brothers on a Hotel Bed (Death Cab for Cutie)

Um.... sounds fun, but...... I don't think so. Let's try that one again, shall we?

Streetwalker (Delta Spirit)

Uh, no, don't think that's it either. One more time.

You Can Close Your Eyes (James Taylor)

Ok, that's more like it.

i know i'm not alone......

because serendipity tells me so.

It all started about two weeks ago, when I heard an old Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy song on our local public radio station. I loved them, back in the day. Their one and only album still gets some play on my now old-fashioned CD player. Jamming out to "Television" on KRCC made me wonder what they were up to now.

Then a few days later, I read a post on the Newspeak blog about hip hop, and decided to ask about the Heroes I once loved. A kind blogger told me that Michael Franti (half of the Heroes) had gone on to form a band called Spearhead. Being fairly modern-musically illiterate, I had never heard of this band. The name stuck in my mind however. (No pun intended. Really)

Fast forward to yesterday. While driving home from a conference where I learned nothing new about teaching, but remembered a bunch of stuff I had forgotten, I turned on the radio and there it was..... an indescribable music that caused me to have a near religious experience right there in my car. Turns out it was, you guessed it, Spearhead. They were playing live on E-town. I waited through all the annoying chit-chat of the host with Michael Franti, to get to the next song. It was this one. By the time it was over, I was soaring with the people in the crowd.



Later that night, I'm googling and youtubing and itunesing Michael Franti and Spearhead, and John says, "Oh yeah, JJ was telling me all about them when I picked the boys up on Friday. He said something about them playing here pretty soon."

I looked it up immediately. Mancos. Fucking Mancos, Colorado! Small town middle of shale Mancos! A six-hour drive from here! And on a Wednesday night!

But it's outdoors. All ages. Free for kids under 12. I wanna pack up the kids and road trip it out to nowhere to see a band I've only just learned about. I just might do it. Anyone wanna go with? Believe it or not, I actually KNOW people in Mancos who I'm sure would put us up for the night.

I've been listening to a lot of music over the past few years that isn't exactly what you would call pick me up and dance me around music. It's more like punch me in the heart and make me melancholy music . I love that stuff, I really do. But sometimes........ it's nice to remember that it's ok to want to be happy.

It seems I have a new Hero. Or at least a resurrected one.

one more reason to vote democrat

...... as if we needed one

in case you missed it......

here's the RNC in 108 seconds. I dare you to try not to laugh.

After you're done laughing, however, go out and register some new Democrats and talk your asses off to your undecided friends and neighbors.



An interesting aside.... when I was coming out of anesthesia from my surgery last Friday, I vaguely, as if in a dream, heard the anesthesiologist and some nurses talking politics. I mustered all the energy I could, and, as if speaking with a mouth full of cotton balls, declared, "Palin's a psychopath."

I'm pretty sure that ended the conversation!

bridge to somewhere

Bennett built this today. Then he took some photos of it:





Frank Rich gets it right. Again.

i fought this guy......

I keep waiting for my dreams to give me answers. Answers to questions I always hoped I'd never have to ask. If not answers, at least some guidance as to the decisions I am facing. They are, without hyperbole, matters of life and death. If not answers or guidance, at least a little inspiration then please!

But when morning comes, I usually find I've had a dreamless sleep and I'm still more confused than ever. The one exception to my dreamlessness was this memorable one I had several nights ago.


I was in a house. A dimly lit house with wood paneling, old carpet, and many corridors. A few other people were milling about, as if it were a small party. The kitchen was filled with the low murmur of people conversing, and I was with them, yet not completely a part of them.

Seemingly out of nowhere, a muscular man in wrestler's panties began moving slowly towards me. I knew he wanted to kill me. Without even breaking a sweat, he quickly got the others out of the way by punching them or pushing them against the walls. I knew my husband was down, lying to my right on the floor of a hallway. There were other bodies as well, strewn along the path in which he had come. In no time at all, there was no one left but me.

The only thing I had to defend myself with was a small pocketknife, which I took out of somewhere, flipped open, and waved in front of my face. With my tiny metal implement, I slashed at his neck, his arms, his face, whatever I could find. With each cut, he would stumble back a few steps, sometimes he even fell. When he was down, I would slice his thighs, his calves, his toes even! But he always came for me again. We moved through the labyrinthine house, with me moving slowly backwards but still fighting.

Interestingly enough, I never tried to run away. He was slow, and injured... I could have easily turned tail and escaped. In scary dreams, I always run. Always have. I still remember distinctly a dream I had while I was reading The Red Badge of Courage in which I hid behind a tree and then deserted the line of battle. I'm not a fighter. Never have been.

But this time I stood my ground, armed only with a Swiss Army knife, and kept slashing and stabbing at a man twice my size. I was violently angry. Yelling. I just kept hacking and stabbing and slashing and he kept bleeding and faltering and recovering again and again. At one point, when he was lying slumped against the wall and I thought he was down for good, I went for his chest wall. I can still hear the noise and the crunch of the little knife as it pierced his tough flesh. But I didn't just poke him gently as if he were a potato headed for the oven. Nope. I put the knife in, then yanked it down, or to the right, or to the left, watching the blood and guts come spurting and slurping out. It reminded me of the time I cut open Stretch Armstrong when I was a girl so that I could see what was inside of him. Over and over I relentlessly thrust my little knife in, hoping that the next hit would finally be the one that would make him stop for good.

When I finally awoke in the middle of the night, covered in sweat, I lay there trying to remember the last moment of the dream. He was dying, unable to get back up, that's for sure. But I'm not quite sure he was 100% dead. I was exhausted. From a dream! But alive. Really, really alive.

Cancer moves. It has taken out many who have come before us. We cut and burn and poison, and yet it still moves. I will be fighting, now, for the rest of my life. And I shall need to use every tool at my disposal to do so, because a knife, clearly, is not enough. Yes, I do have "an army of friends" (thanks for that phrase, Sarah!), as well as a loving, supportive husband, but in the end, the only one who can make the decisions about my life and do the fighting that is necessary......... is me. And that's not something I can't handle.

I like this dream. I like this dream a lot.